By Scary Mommy
1. A fancy bedding set. Like two seconds after you tear open your fancy bedding package a B......... email appears in your inbox. Ding! Bumpers killed 9 million babies last year! (FYI, I like to exaggerate, it was only like 7 million) Okay then, no problemo, you just won’t use the bumpers. And then you’re reading your What to Expect book and it tells you what to expect in the first year: expect your baby to die if you put a blanket in his crib. Okay then, you’ll just throw the quilt on the back of the nursing chair for decoration, which totally doesn’t work because then your head is all shoved forward when you sit in the chair. So basically you’ve just spent a bazillion dollars on a single fitted crib sheet. A single sheet that is about to be destroyed when your newborn poops his brains out the first night home from the hospital. And I don’t care how much ..... you use, that ... stain ain’t coming out. So you have two choices: A. Don’t buy the totally adorable bedding set to begin with or B. Buy a set with a lovely brown amoeba pattern all over it so the .... stains blend in.
2. Clothes that go over a newborn’s head. Have you ever tried to put clothes on a newborn? ... impossible. You’re all like my new baby has a really strong neck until you’re pulling that really cute onesie over her head to take her home from the hospital and suddenly her neck is like jello and her head falls off and you’re screaming NURSE NURSE and she’s walking in all cool and collected like they see this ... all the time.
3. A wipes warmer. You’re out in public trying to change his diaper and he throws a conniption because your wipes in the diaper bag are freezing.
4. Shoes for your newborn. Newsflash, babies can’t walk. Plus, if you stare really hard at your baby’s feet you can literally see them growing, kind of like how if you stare really hard at a clock without blinking you can see the minute hand moving.
5. Expensive baby clothes. This one’s pretty much the same as the last part of #1. Just buy a lot of cheap ... from T..... or once again, buy everything with a brown amoeba pattern on it.
6. A fancy stroller. These days I’m like just give me a simple umbrella stroller, and if I want something fancier I’ll buy it for half the price on C.........
7. A baby bathtub. Guess what, your house already came with one. WHAT?! The realtor didn’t tell you?!! Hello brainiac, it’s called a sink. But wait, my sink doesn’t look like a cute whale or a duck! No, it doesn’t. But it also doesn’t cost an extra $30. Or come in a weird ... shape that doesn’t fit in any logical place in your bathroom.
8. Car seats. Nahhhh, just kidding. Seriously, I’m kidding.
9. Pee-pee teepees. FYI, pee-pee teepees are just a cute present people buy because their gift only came to $15 and they needed a $5 item to make it expensive enough. Oh, and they’re always people who never had a boy so they have no idea that pee-pee teepees don’t stay on, but of course, you never realize it’s fallen off until your kid starts spraying you with urine.